Fixation on Fixing

I find there is beauty in choice, not because of the answer given, but because of the questions asked. One such question, which I admit is (thought and emotionally) provoking is: Would you get rid of your disability if you had the choice?

There is a deep sense of ableism spurring in this question, but the merit to why one might ask that question highlights the importance of disability culture in its entirety.

In Wendy Lu’s article “Disabled People Don’t Need To Be ‘Fixed’ — We Need A Cure For Ableism” featured in Everyday Feminism, Lu discusses how “strangers have taken [her] hand and prayed for [her]”. I connected with her sentiment that she found from her friends, who were centered around a ‘cure’ for her disability that would certainly come one day.

When I had my second major ear surgery, I could not play my bassoon for a couple of weeks afterward, which encouraged me to reach out to friends to boost my morale. I believed it would be beneficial to merely relax and hang out with them. For most of my interactions with my friends and some family, I found relief not having to rush time in conversation. However, it became apparent there was an overwhelming theme, summed up with “Now, you can be able to hear again”!

First, I realized that those around me did not know that I did not have good hearing in the first place. My journey through life had been guided in the pretense that I could not hear out of my left ear. There was no “again” in my timeline of disability.

Second, there was no guarantee my surgery would work. The simple fix of disability through a miraculous singular procedure is a fantastical idea in the culture of ableism. These ideas are communicated through media that portray outcomes of disability as either ‘overcoming’ the disability or succumbing to it as one’s demise. The technology used in my surgery is pioneering. I feel privileged to have access to this medicine and advancements within medicine in an attempt to overcome my hearing impairment. Nevertheless, it has been 4 years since that surgery, and my hearing is the same.

Lu outlined the frame of ableism in a desire or need to cure disability. My own parents have struggled with this framework, especially my mother. My past surgeries were expensive and required my mom to take off work, but they were necessary for the health of my ear. Even so, they did not guarantee my hearing would be restored. My mom said, “so, what’s the point of all this time and money if you still can’t hear a thing”. I had to walk a delicate line to comfort my mom while advocating for my own body. (More on this for a different post)

As I continue to explore disability culture through my own discovery of disability, I refer back to Lu’s experience with ableism,

“For years, I wondered if something was ‘wrong’ with me for being disabled and OK with it. It took a long time before I realized that I was internalizing the ableism that society was imposing on me”.

How do I reclaim the time that ableism has invaded my body? I recognize that might be a charged question with some potent language, but it's an honest inquiry. If I was taught along with Lu that disability is something that needs to be fixed, is my current state of being labeled as disabled a bad thing?

I think asking my friends, “do you think I am suffering because I am disabled” might not be the Starbucks-run conversation. I could bring up this question in an effort to combat ableist culture, but there is energy to expend for this progress, which may remove one of my daily spoons. Like the conversations I attempt to have with my mom, there is a balance to ensure the goal of dismantling ableism oversight is achieved.

As I wrote that previous sentence, I recognized that I too have been fixated on fixing, whether it be my own perspective or ableist culture. I take this blog post for a moment to appreciate the complexity behind this topic, hoping to learn more about all of this.

What are your thoughts? Have you been on the receiving end of this fixation on fixing? What does ableism mean to you when it comes to your disability?